Ranbir Singh's infamous media conference - the 'untold' side

By H Natarajan

In a ‘landmark decision’ on Tuesday, the Board of Control for Cricket in India decided “to take Indian cricket forward.” Ranbir Singh Mahendra, President of the Board of Control for Cricket in India, disclosed this to an army of media people waiting for hours in anticipation of a momentous announcement. BCCI’s progressive intention will be carried out with “performance as the criteria.”

The cricketing world was quick to applaud the BCCI decision. Cricket board of Australia, England and South Africa ringing up key officials of the Indian to share the mantra.

Excerpts of the media conference:

Media: What was the collective thinking of the Review Committee?
Ranbir Singh: The committee felt the best way forward was to get Chappell and Ganguly in a comprising position.

M: And they agreed!
RS: If it makes both parties happy, why will they not? Of course they agreed. Some things will always be behind closed doors.

M: What will the BCCI watch?
RS: Performances.

M: Is the BCCI confident of Ganguly kissing and making up with the coach? Will he deliver?
RS: Moods have changed. The committee ensured that both of them got into a compromising position…We have no reason to believe he can’t deliver.

M: Is the BCCI going to appoint a media manager?
RS: We have been on the lookout for one for years. Unfortunately, we are not getting someone who has a management degree from IIM-A as well as qualifications in media from Colombia College of Journalism.

M: Sir, what decision has been taken about the e-mail leak?
RS: We have taken a strong decision that board members will not leak. It stinks, you see.

M: What is the committee’s decision on Sourav Ganguly?
RS: He has been given a clean chit.

M: Clean chick?!!!
RS: Don’t put words in my mouth, yaar. I said chit.

M: And what about Chappell?
RS: He has also been given a clean chit.

M: Clean cheat, did you say?
RS: Again you are putting words in my mouth. I said chit.

M: Sir, is it true that even while the meeting was under way there were calls from foreign cricket boards to outsource BCCI administrative talent?
RS: Yes, it’s true. They find our administrators cheap, hence the idea of outsourcing. Our marketing wizard is opening a new arm called Board Process Outsourcing (BPO).

M: Will the captain be gung-ho now?
RS: Arrey, there is no change in captaincy. It’s still Ganguly.

M: We heard Ganguly complained that Chappell wants to be the boss and that he even went out to toss with the rival captain without his knowledge during a warm-up game while the team was still practicing.
RS: Nahin yaar, there is some miscommunication. Chappell was filming a shoot for Toss ka boss.

M: Sir, did you have a word with Chappell after the Review Committee meeting? Is he happy?
RS: I met him in brief coming out of the loo. All that he told me was the pressure was too much and that he is relieved.

M: Did Chappell and Ganguly play pool after their meeting?
RS: We wanted them to play, but we did not have balls.

M: Who did not have balls?
RS: Arrey, the hotel. The pool table was there but there were no balls….Thank you ladies and gentleman.

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NB: This is for those who still haven’t seen through, the above interview is a spoof. The edited version appeared in Ngage.